Tuesday, March 22, 2011

A Realistic Plan For World Peace

One of the biggest problems in the world today is that nobody is afraid of America anymore. Yeah, we have nukes, but no one really thinks we'll use them. The genius of this plan, which is also known as "Nuke the Moon", is to make the world think America is insane and belligerent without actually hurting anyone. Get the world walking on eggshells, afraid that we'll lash out with unmeasured violence at the slightest provocation. You have to admit the world would be a better place. Here's a sample:

Of course, using nukes shouldn't be done haphazardly; all uses have to be well planned out because the explosions are so cool looking that we'll want to give the press plenty of notice so they can get pictures of the mushroom cloud from all sorts of different angles. But what to nuke? Well, usually the idea is populated cities, but, by the beliefs of my morally superior religion, killing is wrong. So why can't we be more creative than nuking people. My idea is to nuke the moon; just say we thought we saw moon people or something. There is no one actually there to kill (unless we time it poorly) and everyone in the world could see the results. And all the other countries would exclaim, "Holy @$#%! They are nuking the moon! America has gone insane! I better go eat at McDonald's before they think I don't like them."
But why stop there. We've got like tons of national parks; we surely wouldn't miss just one if we nuked it.Our excuse will be that we heard a drug dealer was hiding there. Then the foreign nations would be like, "Sacre bleu! These Americans are nuking themselves! Surely they will think nothing of bombing us! Let's adapt their vapid culture as our own so they might consider us one of them."
Now all other countries will be completely freaked out and never even dream of messing with us. They'll say the name of America with hushed whispers and always praise us in public for fear of reprisal. We'd be like an Old Testament god to them; perhaps they would even start worshiping us - actually, we should make that a condition of favored trade status.

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